Russia Orders Compulsory ‘Predator’ Screenings for Anyone Watching ‘Beauty and the Beast’

PredatorAnybody watching Beauty and the Beast in Russia will be forced to sit through a compulsory screening of Predator immediately afterwards.

The ruling was announced this morning from the office of president Vladimir Putin, known to be an admirer of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1987 action classic, and is widely believed to be a direct response to the addition of a gay character in Disney’s live-action film.

“With his bulging biceps, heavy weapon assembly skills and exceptional no-holds-barred manliness, Major Dutch Schaefer is the perfect antidote to the relentless tirade of hyper-liberal propaganda the West is attempting to infiltrate into our glorious nation,” said a spokesperson.

The news comes just a day after Russia Today reported that the Russian Ministry for Education and Science was mulling making weekly screenings of Predator compulsory for schoolchildren.

“Our country needs to know, if it bleeds we can kill it,” added the spokesperson.

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